


Here's Why Teen Boys Are So Awkward

by peteor



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Classless Fourth Wall Breaks, M/M, Obscure Movie References, Ridiculousness, Romantic Comedy, Secret Admirer, miscommunications
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-07-16 12:24:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7268101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peteor/pseuds/peteor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the past couple of weeks, Donut has been getting little notes stuck to his locker every morning. Some are overused pick-up lines, some are romantic confessions, and some are just plain silly. There's only one problem: they're all anonymous. Donut struggles to play detective and get to the bottom of it, until Doc encourages him to just go with the flow.</p><p>But as the Reds and Blues, one by one, discover the identity of the secret admirer, they decide to take fate into their own hands and become the best (worst) wingmen ever. Of all time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Here's Why Teen Boys Are So Awkward

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from a teen magazine I saw at the check-out at the grocery store. I was about halfway through writing this at the time, and burst out laughing at the headline because it reminded me of these dorks.
> 
> I didn't buy the magazine, though. I feel like walking out of a store with my mom and a seventeen magazine might ruin my fragile Cool Guy reputation in this town.

**Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm bad at poetry, but I kinda like you.**

\--

"What do you make of this?" Donut demanded, throwing the little collection of post-it notes he'd been accumulating over the past couple of weeks on the table his friends sat at. Grif and Simmons both glanced up at him, and then down at the notes.

"Uh... someone has a crush on you? Obviously," Grif offered with a roll of his eyes after reading a couple. Donut huffed. Grif raised an eyebrow. "What, did you expect a scientific deduction?"

"Maybe you know who it is!" Donut cried, running a hand over the longer part of his undercut. "Maybe you can guess the handwriting-"

"Oh." Simmons breathed, paying close attention to one of the notes. Donut was immediately in his face.

"Did you find something?!" Donut asked, reading the note upside-down.

It was one of the newer ones, steadily getting more detailed. Donut blushed and sat back in his seat.

**You looked so cute today, it made it hard to stay anonymous. I just want to hold you, and kiss you. God damn, you're beautiful.**

"Why do you think they want to stay anonymous?" Simmons asked carefully.

"Maybe they're scared of rejection," Grif said. "Or maybe they just like fucking with Donut."

"Or both," Simmons said in awe, voice full of a clarity that Donut knew meant something. But when he rounded on Simmons, the boy stood hastily and started collecting his things. "I have to go!"

"Simmons, you know who it is!" Donut cried, chasing after his friend. But Simmons wasn't stopping, and eventually, Donut had to give. His short legs weren't enough to keep up with Simmons.

He doubled over in the hall, near the library, huffing and panting to himself.

"You okay?"

Donut looked up, straightening up and smiling nervously when he saw it was Church. The two weren't close, but on more than one occasion, Donut was worried that Church had caught him admiring him in the cafeteria. It just seemed like whenever he wanted to look at Church, Church was looking at _him_. All suspicious-like, with narrowed eyes and a miserable pout on his face.

"A-Okay like usual!" Donut said cheerfully, trying not to sound _too_ cheerful. He was just nervous, unsure of how much Church knew about Donut's little crush (could he call it a crush if it was mostly just appearance-based?).

"Who were you chasing?" Church asked, tucking his Physics book under his arm and trying to peer around the corner, down the hall.

"Simmons," Donut admitted. He was going to pull out the sticky notes to show Church, maybe ask him if he knew anything, but then he realized he'd left them in the cafeteria with Grif. "Oh shoot! My notes!"

"Your what?"

"Long story!" Donut called as he took off down the hall. "See you around, Church!"

Donut missed the way Church leaned against the doorframe, eyes softening as he watched Donut jog down the hall. "...bye, Donut."

\--

**Don't push your little legs too far. Next time you go around chasing bad guys, ask me for help.**

"I would!" Donut groaned, face pressed against his locker door, sticky note held to his chest. "If I knew who you were!"

"What's going on?" Tucker asked, leaned against the locker a few from Tucker's own, smirk on his face. Donut smiled at Tucker. The two were pretty close friends, surprising most of the others in their grade. Unfortunately, with all this note business, Donut had been neglecting his friends in the Blue Group, since he didn't share any classes with them.

"I've been getting these sticky notes on my locker," Donut explained, holding out the most recent one to Tucker. "Some are fun facts, some kinda scold me for being an idiot," Donut chuckled at that. "Most are really romantic though."

He showed the collection to Tucker, whose eyebrows steadily rose with each note. Donut had a collection of about eighteen at this point, and hadn't thrown away a single one.

"Man..." Tucker coughed into his fist as he read the last couple. "Uh, now here's the thing..."

"Do you know who it is?!" Donut asked, then paused and stared at Tucker's expression. "...is it you?"

"What? Hell no!" Tucker said with a laugh. "I'm not that sappy. I just recognize the handwriting."

Donut laughed, too. Not that he wouldn't have given Tucker a chance, since he was a pretty cute guy and was sweet when he wanted to be, but Tucker was very straight. Donut was a guy, Tucker was a guy, so he deduced early on that it wouldn't have been Tucker.

"Whose is it?" Donut asked, bouncing on the balls of his feet. Tucker gave Donut an offended look.

"You think I'm gonna tell you?" Tucker asked, handing the notes back to a slumped Donut. "Dude, that's breaking the Bro Code, big time."

"Aw..." Donut pouted, putting the notes back into his special backpack pocket. "You're mean!"

"I'll try to convince the person to talk to you," Tucker said sincerely. Donut visibly brightened, but Tucker shifted his weight and looked to the side. "No promises, though. If it's who I think it is, it'll be like trying to pull teeth. Or however that saying goes."

With that, Tucker and Donut said their goodbyes and headed to their different classes. Donut usually liked History, but his mind was someplace else, trying to figure out who it could be. Simmons and Tucker both knew enough to recognize the handwriting, which was weird, because one was a Red and one was a Blue. Unless they somehow had a mutual friend who crossed the borderline between Red and Blue, Donut had no idea how-

Wait a second.

 _Purple_.

\--

Tucker rushed into class, trying to get there before the bell after talking to Donut. He saw Church already in his seat, and was thankful Caboose was still away, sick. Knowing that idiot, there was no way they would be able to keep it a secret.

"Dude, what the fuck are you playing at with Donut?" Tucker asked harshly, sitting into the seat beside Church. Immediately, Church stared at Tucker with wide eyes.

"Shh!" He hissed, looking around the room, cheeks bright red. Tucker rolled his eyes and slapped his textbook onto the desk.

"If you're fucking with him-"

"I am not!" Church defended, speaking way louder than Tucker, so what the fuck was up with him shushing him. "Why would you accuse me of that?!"

"So you actually like him?" Tucker asked.

Church said, mouth muffled by his hoodie as he withdrew into himself, "Maybe."

Tucker stared at Church, who seemed to be channeling his inner turtle, eyes wide. "Well," he said finally. "Guess I missed the coming-out party. Didn't know you were gay-"

"Bi," Church clarified. Tucker squinted at him, trying to decipher the meaning of that word. "It means I like girls _and_ guys."

Tucker shrugged. "Fine, whatever. Why didn't you tell me?"

"'Cause it's none of your business?"

"Dude, we share a bed every weekend," Tucker said sternly. "I think it's my business if you suddenly wanna bang guys. _I'm_ a guy!"

"Yeah but I don't want to bang you-"

"Racist-"

"This is why I didn't tell you!"

"Whatever," Tucker sighed. "So... when are you gonna tell Donut you're the sticky note guy."

Church shrugged and said, "Maybe when he talks to me without looking scared out of his mind. The guy definitely won't feel the same, so, I dunno."

"Dude, this is Donut we're talking about," Tucker replied with a scoff. "He's easy as hell. You've already got him wrapped around your finger, just get him a little drunk, tell him you're the note guy, and there you go. You guys get to touch tips, or whatever gay guys do, fuck if I know or care."

"Bi," Church corrected automatically. Then he seemed to process what Tucker was saying. "You know, I just remembered why I never go to you for relationship advice."

"Relationship? I thought you just wanted to bang him," Tucker said, scratching his head. "Okay, well in that case, get him a little drunk-"

"You sound _really_ shady when you suggest getting someone drunk for everything."

"Whatever," Tucker waved his hand dismissively. "It's worked for every girl I've ever dated."

Church sunk his face into his hands. "I need a new best friend."

\--

Doc heard Wash sigh from across the table. They were in the library, studying for their Biology final. Or... Doc was studying. Wash was, apparently, texting someone angrily.

"Who's that?" Doc asked. Wash looked up at Doc, with the most exasperated look on his face. "Oh, do I get to guess?" Doc asked excitedly. Wash ignored him and went back to texting. Squinting his eyes, Doc examined Wash's face. "Hmm... I'm gonna guess Tucker."

"Yes, it's Tucker," Wash snapped, looking up to glare at Doc. "Go back to studying and keep your nose out of my business."

"Fine, geez." Doc grumbled. Wash always got so upset when Doc was right about something. It really brought him down sometimes, but he tried to stay positive.

"Doc!"

Speaking of staying positive.

Doc looked up from his books and grinned as Donut skipped into the library, backpack slung over one shoulder. He heard Wash curse under his breath at Donut's arrival.

"Hey Donut, wow, it's been a while!" Doc said happily. Donut made a noise of agreement and sat down between Doc and Wash, throwing his backpack on Wash's notes. If he heard the shout of protest Wash made, he ignored it, as did Doc. "What brings you to the library after school? Aren't you going to miss your bus?"

Donut shrugged. "I'll just get a ride from Wash." He said, jerking a thumb over his shoulder, in the face of a disbelieving Washington.

"I didn't agree to that-"

"Anyway, the craziest stuff has been happening the last few weeks!" Donut said excitedly, digging in the backpack that was still on Wash's binder. He pulled out some sticky notes and thrust them at Doc. "Do you know who's responsible for this? Because my current guess is you."

Doc didn't miss the glare Wash shot his way, but he had no idea why the heck Wash was glaring this time, so he continued to ignore his grumpy study partner.

As he flipped through the notes, he felt himself get teary-eyed.

"These are the sweetest notes ever," Doc said, feeling warmth swell in his heart. "Thank you for thinking of me, but I don't like you like that. We're BFFs, for goodness sakes. Romance would mess with all that."

"Aw, yeah, you're right," Donut said. Doc heard something like disappointment in his tone, though. "I just want to know who would send these notes!"

Wash scoffed. "I can't believe you haven't guessed."

"Do _you_ know?!" Donut cried. Doc stared at Wash, bewildered.

"...yeah, Tucker was just talking about it," Wash said, holding up his phone, still open to his texts. "I can tell you if you want."

"Don't tell him!" Doc cried, loud enough for the librarian to shush him angrily from her desk. Wash blinked, staring at Doc with a confused expression. Donut stared at Doc too, looking absolutely betrayed. Doc took Donut by the shoulders. "Donut, you need to let love take its course. When the person wants you to know, they will tell you-"

"He," Wash said. Donut and Doc both turned to stare at him. Wash shrugged. "There's your hint. He."

Donut grinned wide. Doc laughed. "Okay, okay, when _he_ wants you to know, he'll tell you. Maybe he's planning some grand reveal. Would you want that ruined just because you got too curious?"

Donut stared down at his lap, a small smile on his face. "...I guess not..." He looked up at Doc, and his smile grew. "Thanks, Doc! You're a great friend!"

Doc felt his eyes fill up with tears once more. "That's so nice of you, Donut! You're a great friend, too!"

"Jesus Christ." Doc heard Wash groan as they embraced tearfully.

"Don't be jealous, Wash!" Donut said cheerfully. "You'll have your turn."

"Oh, no, no way," Wash started protesting as the two separated and Donut started leaning towards him. "No hugging. Get away from me."

"Come on, Wash," Doc said, smiling smugly. "Hugs are supposed to be good for the spirit."

"My spirit is fine," Wash said, steading leaning away from Donut in his chair. When he ran out of room to lean back, he looked at Donut and said, "Touch me and you die."

Doc rolled his eyes. "Your spirit is _totally_ fine," he scolded. "Threatening people in the library is just... a totally fine thing to do."

After getting his hands slapped a few times, Donut seemed to give up, deflating and sitting back down in his own seat. Doc patted him on the shoulder and pouted at Wash, who had thrown Donut's backpack onto the floor and was packing up his books.

"Come on, let's go." Wash said to Donut, who scrambled up and grabbed his backpack. Doc watched them go, waving at both of them as they left, before going back to his studying.

\--

Donut lay awake that night, staring at the ceiling of his dark bedroom. Someone Simmons and Tucker both knew enough to recognize the handwriting of, someone Wash knew, and not Doc. He sighed and rolled over, smushing his cheek into his pillow. Doc was the best bet... but now he was back to square one.

\--

**Our friends are idiots. But I'm an idiot too, especially when it comes to you. Hopefully you'll still like me. PS: got your combination off of Tucker. Surprise.**

Donut smiled and added the note to his collection, like he'd done every morning since he'd started getting them. And then, cautiously, he put in his locker combination and opened the locker.

He squealed when he saw what was inside. A vase of lightish red carnations sat inside, on top of his Chemistry textbook. There was a little card in front, and Donut opened it up, over-the-moon to be getting two notes from his admirer.

**It's hard for me to get too close to you, because I know you outshine me. Hurts my ego, man. Regardless, I'm grateful for that light you radiate, because admiring it from afar makes me happier than I've been in a while. You make it easier to get up and at 'em these days. Thanks, buddy.**

Buddy...

Donut forced himself not to look into it, but he had the sneaking suspicion that he'd heard that word a lot of times, from somewhere. Or someone.

He plucked a carnation from the bunch and tucked it behind his ear after cutting the stem. He then shut his locker, tucked the two new notes into his special pocket, and started on his way to class, lost in his thoughts.

\--

Grif's jaw dropped so fast he almost let his cigarette fall into his lap. He looked, bewildered, at Simmons, Tucker, then Church.

"It's you?!" Grif pointed at Church. "You're Donut's sticky note guy?!"

"Yep," Church said with a shrug. He was staring down at his own lit cigarette, pinched in his fingers. "I thought it'd be something fun to do, y'know, instead of desperately admiring him from afar. I kind of get to interact with him now."

"Yeah," Tucker scoffed. "In ten years, you guys might make it to first base!"

"Shut up, asshole, your solution was literally rape," Church snapped. Tucker gave Church a dirty look before burying his face in his phone again. "Also? I officially ban you from texting Wash. You're going to give the poor guy an aneurysm if you send him any more sex jokes. And then he's gonna kill me for giving you his number in the first place."

"Nah, he just hasn't warmed up to me yet," Tucker declared. "Remember when you hated me, too? And now we're best friends."

"Did somebody say best friend?"

The four boys screamed when Caboose seemed to materialize over Church's shoulder.

"Fucking _christ_ , Caboose!" Church cried, gripping his t-shirt. "Warn a guy, dammit!"

"What are we talking about?" Caboose asked, sitting down purposefully between Church and Tucker. Tucker glared at him but shifted out of the way, clicking away on his iPhone.

"Church's crush on Donut." Simmons announced. Church made a noise that sounded like something between a wheeze and a choke.

"Don't just _say it_!" Church screeched, looking around, panicked.

Simmons rolled his eyes and exchanged a look with Grif. "Well it's what we're talking about, aren't we? Also Wash, but mostly Donut."

"What about Washington and Muffin Man?" Caboose asked, the gears slowly struggling to turn in his mind. "And crushes?" He gasped loudly. "Did Washington crush Twinkie again?!"

"No!" Simmons, Grif, Tucker, and Church all yelled.

Caboose blinked at them, confused. "Then what are we talking about?"

"Somebody has a crush on Donut-"

"Washington."

"No, Caboose-"

"You know what?" Church interrupted, putting a hand on Caboose's shoulder. "Sure, buddy. Washington has a crush on Donut. Why don't you go tell Donut _right now_."

Caboose jumped up, bouncing back on his heels as he saluted Church with the wrong hand. "Okay, Church! I will go tell Cream Puff!"

As he ran away, towards the school, the rest of the boys all stared at Church with varying expressions of confusion.

"Why did you tell him to lie?" Grif asked.

Church replied, "It's better than him accidentally spilling the beans."

They all agreed on that.

\--

Donut scratched the back of his head awkwardly. Wash stared at him, more and more confused as the silence stretched on.

"Uh?" Wash said, extremely eloquently.

Donut sighed. "I just don't think I could date you, Wash. You're just... kinda scary."

Wash liked to think he had a pretty good grasp on most things in his life. Hell, he could even translate some of the things Caboose said, sometimes. But this was new.

"...what?" Wash said, voice creaking as it rose a few octaves.

"Don't be sad!" Donut cried, tears brimming in his brown eyes. Wash took a step back and looked around helplessly, trying to figure out who on earth set him up, and what they were going to do about the sad boy in front of him. "It's nothing personal! Well- I mean, it kind of is, but-"

"Donut," Wash stammered, struggling to find his voice again. "I'm... I'm not romantically interested in you. Or... at all. I'm not interested in you at all. Please go away."

Donut blinked owlishly up at Wash, a confused frown on his face. "But Caboose said you had a crush on me."

The final puzzle piece fell into place. Wash groaned and dragged a hand over his face, heaving a sigh.

"Caboose was mistaken. I don't, and will never, have a crush on you." Wash promised solemnly.

The sigh of relief that escaped Donut was something Wash might have been offended by, but at this point he didn't care at all, and was mostly just happy the entire situation had wrapped itself up.

"Thank goodness!" Donut said, patting a side pocket in his backpack. Wash knew that was where he kept his sticky notes, and should have known that their confrontation had something to do with that. "I didn't really think you'd be the type to do this kinda thing, anyway. You seem like more of a dine-and-dash kind of guy."

"I..." Wash said, bewildered. He paused, frowned, stared at Donut pathetically. "I don't even know what to say in response to that."

Donut only shrugged and started backing away. "It's okay! I'm gonna miss my bus if I stay to chat longer, anyway. Bye Wash!"

Wash didn't reply, he only shook his head, shrugged the second strap of his backpack over his shoulder, and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket.

_Wash: Tell him before I do. He's driving me insane._

_Church: Fuck off._

\--

**Your laugh is so sweet it could give me diabetes. And you know what? I'd be okay with that.**

\--

"Dude," Tucker greeted Wash as he jumped into the passenger seat of his car. "How are we gonna get the churchnut train a-goin?"

"The churchwhat?" Wash said, already regretting asking.

"Why, I'm glad you asked!"

"Oh no."

Wash looked behind him as he backed out of Tucker's driveway, trying not to get distracted as Tucker began an elaborate explanation about 'shipping' and 'you're old so you obviously wouldn't understand.'

"I'm nine months older than you," Wash grumbled in response to that last part, then smirked. "Maturity-wise, however..."

"Oh, fuck off," Tucker snapped, sitting back so his feet were kicked up on the dashboard. Wash slapped his ankles down. "But for real, they gotta hook up. Fast. This stupid sticky note stuff is going on way too long."

"We're in agreement there," Wash admitted, grudgingly. He also admitted, moments later, "You're the only one Church listens to about this stuff. Why can't you just convince him to do it? Work your... weird bromance magic."

"That sounds gay, don't say that," Tucker snapped, fiddling with the radio station. Wash slapped his wrists away. "I mean, he definitely listens to me... kinda? But he's also Church, which means he's an arrogant prick who won't do anything he doesn't, like, secretly want to do. However!" Tucker held up his finger, his free hand rolling the passenger window up and down as he spoke. Wash winced and wondered, not for the first time, if Tucker ever kept still. "You're the only one who _intimidates_ Church, which means you're the only one that can _make_ him do it."

"But I don't want to get involved," Wash argued. "Any more than I already am. Did you know Donut thought it was _me_ yesterday?"

"Yeah, I was there when Church told Caboose to tell Donut that."

"Bastard."

They fell into a brief, blessed silence after that. Silence never lasted long around Tucker, though, and right as Wash was pulling onto the road to get to the high school, he piped up.

"Okay, I have a plan!"

"Save it for someone who cares." Wash replied immediately.

"You are _such_ a fucking killjoy." Tucker groaned, falling back rather violently into Wash's passenger seat. The amount of times Wash drove Tucker to school, he was surprised he hadn't broken the entire car yet. It was only a matter of time.

"I'm not!" Wash protested, turning into the parking lot of the school.

"You are!" Tucker cried, then began twiddling his thumbs. "And you think I'm stupid."

"I don't..." Wash trailed off, frowned. "...well, not _all_ the time." Tucker didn't look convinced, glaring at Wash out of the corner of his eye. Wash sighed and turned off his car. "Okay, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Let's hear this great plan of yours."

\--

Lopez didn't like drama. He wished he were a robot sometimes, so he could turn his ears off whenever gossip started floating around. It wasn't like anybody who gossiped to him did it for any particular reason, it was just to hear themselves talk.

Like Donut.

He was rambling on about sticky notes and true love, and it was really starting to annoy Lopez. Especially since he kept bringing up Washington. Lopez would have hoped that Wash would have stayed out of it, because that was the only thing Lopez actually respected about the guy. Now he was the only drama-free one out of everyone he knew, which was sad.

"Cállate." Lopez sighed, hoping that Donut would listen to him and _shut up_.

"I know, right!" Donut cried, throwing his hands up. "Everyone's keeping way too quiet about it, even though I know they all know! It's torture, Lopez. Complete, serious, painful _torture_."

"No lo es." Lopez replied, disinterested, because it really _wasn't_ torture. Donut was just melodramatic, and annoying, and was getting on Lopez's nerves. "Eres un idiota."

"Yeah," Donut groaned, falling forward onto his desk, crumpling their worksheet. Lopez grimaced. "They really are idiots. Stupid friends, ruining my chances with my Prince Charming."

Lopez sighed. He didn't want to be the one to give Donut a reality check, but the truth was, Donut had no idea who the secret admirer was. "Ni siquiera lo conoces."

"I don't need to know him to know I love him." Donut whined, and holy shit, that made sense. That was a proper reply to something Lopez had said in Spanish. Donut successfully heard, and translated, something Lopez said. Holy shit.

Lopez was so taken aback by this revelation that he was rendered speechless. This gave Donut the impression that his naive words of wisdom had won the argument, and he started on a tangent about true love. Lopez, wanting to drop the subject completely, ignored him and went back to answering questions on the worksheet.

He made a mental note to angrily shove Church and Donut in a locker together so they could sort themselves out if this went on any longer, though.

 _Idiotas_.

\--

**I don't know if you like Star Wars, but if I was the force, I'd always be with you. ;)**

\--

The Reds and Blues shared the same lunch block, but sat at either end of the cafeteria, a large gap between the two groups. Sarge, the supervisor of the Red Group, constantly tried to recruit students in a food fight against the "Dirty Blues!" but most of the Reds were easily able to ignore him.

The Blues, however...

"We are not dirty!" Caboose yelled, like he did most days. "I had a bath last night! And Church showers every morning at seven fifteen!"

"The entire cafeteria doesn't need to know that, Caboose." Church groaned, on instinct. Tucker, who was sitting across from Church, snickered in the face of Church's misery.

"I'm just saying," Caboose _hmph'd_ , frowning down at his large lunchbox. "Tucker is probably the only dirty one."

"I won't deny that," Tucker said with a wink at no one in particular. "Ladies like dirty."

"You are so fucking gross," Church sneered, grimacing as he stabbed his plastic spoon into his pudding. He looked up at Tucker for a moment before making a _tsk_ noise and staring down at his food once more. "I can't imagine a single girl who would want to touch you. Who knows where your mouth has been, _or_ your dick-"

That was it. The opening Tucker had been waiting for. He glanced over to Grif and gave the signal, which was an array of various hand gestures and waves that would have been noticed by more people if this story made any sense at all. As it were, nobody noticed, except Grif, who waved back before poking Donut and pointing at their table.

Tucker steeled himself, realizing that he was actually about to... well... do something a little gay.

"Nah, my mouth is great," Tucker commented, mentally cursing Wash for pussying out and forcing him to do his job. "See?"

He shifted forward, cupping either side of Church's face with his hands. Church's eyes widened as he realized what was going on, but he was too late. Tucker pressed his lips to Church's, closed eye twitching as he felt the smallest bit of fuzzy stubble on Church's chin. Weird.

When Tucker pulled away, he started laughing at the look on Church's face. He was once more attentive as Church's eyes immediately snapped over to Donut's, though. Tucker risked a glance over there, too, and was satisfied with what he saw.

Donut's jaw was dropped as he stared, more at Church than Tucker. Grif was looking at Tucker with a glare that said 'this better work or you're a dead man,' and Simmons was bright red and wide-eyed.

Donut was still looking at Church, a pout tugging at the corners of his lips. Church, meanwhile, looked like a fish having a seizure. His mouth was opening and closing, though no sound was escaping, and he was jerking his head back and forth between the Reds' table and Tucker.

All hell broke loose when Caboose, after a few more moments of silence between the two groups, took Church's face between his hands in a clumsy mimicry of Tucker and pressed his lips to Church's as well.

Tucker started howling with laughter, hearing Grif do the same from across the room. Church tried to yell Caboose's name as he squirmed and struggled to get away, but because his lips were still pressed against Caboose's, the word came out sounding like "Caboof!"

Eventually, Caboose released Church, and smiled despite Church slapping him away immediately.

"What the fuck, Caboose?!" Church screamed.

Caboose looked puzzled, as if he were trying to figure out why he could possible be in trouble. "Well Tucker got to."

Tucker thought that to Caboose, that probably made perfect sense. Church groaned and wiped his mouth dramatically.

"Speaking of," Church said, glaring at Tucker, who slowly leaned away from Church. "What the fuck was that?"

"Okay, hear me out-"

"Fine."

Tucker rolled his eyes at the unnecessary interruption. As he did, he caught a glimpse of the Reds.

Because Caboose had kissed Church right after Tucker, Donut must have figured it was some stupid Blue Group thing they were doing, because he was smiling away and laughing along with Grif.

Tucker groaned. What a waste, he totally kissed a dude for nothing.

"I was trying to make Donut jealous, so you guys could get together," Tucker explained. Church raised an eyebrow at that. "I know, right? The lengths I go... you're lucky you've got the best wingman in the school. Anyway, it was totally working, too-"

"I saw..." Church muttered, glancing over to Donut's table. "He looked... sad."

"Yeah, that's 'cause he likes you," Tucker said. "But you don't believe me, so whatever. Point is, my kickass plan was totally working, but then Caboose did his thing, and now Donut probably just thinks it's some stupid joke."

Church was quiet for a while, processing everything. Soon, he glanced up at Tucker with a bemused smirk on his face.

"You seriously thought this plan of yours _wasn't_ doomed to fail?" He asked, a laugh in his tone. Tucker just took an aggressive bite of his sandwich while Church started laughing quietly to himself at Tucker's expense.

With a heavy sigh, Tucker pulled out his phone and texted Wash. His mood picked up when he remembered the agreement they'd made, though.

_Tucker: plan a was a total flop_  
_Tucker: time 4 plan b_

_Wash: Are you serious? I thought plan A was "fool-proof"_

_Tucker: yea but it wasnt caboose-proof_  
_Tucker: point is u gotta do plan b now_

_Wash: I hate you._

Tucker was about to send a reply back, something teasing and rage-inducing, probably. However, he was distracted by Church's serious tone.

"Hey, Caboose?"

"Yes Church?"

"Was that... you know... your first kiss?"

"Yep! And, oh man, I just- I am just so happy that I got to share that with you."

"Fuck."

\--

Wash pinched the bridge of his nose and groaned.

"What's wrong?" Doc asked, pausing in his note-taking.

Wash regarded Doc with a small frown. On one hand, he hated confiding in anyone about his problems, but if Wash didn't tell Doc what he was planning, he risked a long lecture and a bunch of misunderstandings to occur.

"Tucker came up with some insane plan to get Church and Donut together," Wash explained. Doc brightened up at that, which pissed Wash off enough to grit his teeth together. "Plan A was for Tucker to kiss Church and try to get Donut jealous. That failed because Tucker decided to put the plan in motion in front of _Caboose_."

"Oooh," Doc cringed. "Why would he do that?"

"Probably because he secretly wants Plan B to happen," Wash said through his teeth. "Because Plan B is at Grif's party tonight, where I have to look like I'm coming onto Donut and trying to get him drunk enough for sex."

"Gross."

Wash pointed at Doc. "Exactly. According to Tucker, Church really hates that whole trope, and will swoop in to rescue Donut when he sees what's going on."

Doc pouted. "But won't that affect his relationship with you?"

"And why should I care about that?"

Doc threw his hands up. "You're hopeless," he whined. "If you're willing to do all of this for Tucker, Church, and Donut, you're obviously close friends with them-"

"Nope."

"So why wouldn't you care about damaging those important connections with people you care about?" Doc asked cryptically, leaning forward. "Church trusts you. You might break that trust."

Wash paused, furrowed his brow. "...Good?"

Doc sighed.

\--

Grif was suspicious.

For one, Wash was at his house. Currently, he was completely sober, sitting on the couch and discussing something with Kaikaina. Somehow, Grif didn't really mind that. Probably because he knew Wash was gay, and he was also a decent person when it came to young women.

The point was, Wash was at his house. Wash had never once expressed interest in entering Grif's home at all, and to be honest? Grif was probably the only one out of all the Reds and Blues that hadn't had any sort of 'conversation' with Wash. He was just... creepy, and Grif wasn't about it.

Secondly, about Wash, the guy kept looking at Donut. Grif was under the impression that he couldn't have cared less about Donut, so his behavior was weird.

And last, but certainly not less weird, Tucker was _sober_.

He was leaning against the wall with a bottle of chocolate _Milk 2 Go_. He, too, was staring at Donut, while engaged in conversation with Church. Grif wondered if maybe Tucker had something up his sleeve again, like the stupid kiss plan from lunch.

He was distracted when Simmons nudged him, holding a beer can out for him. Grif took it and clinked it with Simmons' drink, a glass of water currently because Simmons was convinced that drinking water between beers stopped hangovers. He might have been onto something, but Grif hadn't drank water in years, and wanted to keep his record.

"I haven't seen you this focused since that hot dog eating contest in fifth grade," Simmons said dryly. "Should I go get the barf bag?"

"Tucker's sober, and Wash is here," Grif explained, narrowing his eyes at each boy as he said their names. "I think they're gonna try and pull something with Church and Donut."

"God dammit, again?" Simmons groaned, taking a long sip of his water. "This whole thing has gotten so convoluted! Why couldn't Church just confess his feelings to Donut without all these games?"

"Because he's a _Blue_ ," Grif said, folding his arms over his chest. "Blues have to make _everything_ complicated. This isn't anything new, but now that Donut is involved, _we_ have to get involved. It's such bullshit!"

"Annoying drama," Simmons agreed. "Tucker and Wash working together is weird, though."

"I know, right? Pairs like them only happen in movies and bad fanfiction," Grif said, voice teeming with suspicion. "Like in Hot Fuzz. Wash is Nicholas Angel, and Tucker is Danny Butterman. ...If Nicholas was terrifying and beefy and Danny was small and attractive."

"What does that make us, then?" Simmons asked.

"We're the Andys," Grif replied. "Lopez is Walker 'cause nobody understands a thing he says, and Donut can be Doris-"

"Wow, make Donut the girl," Simmons said with an eyeroll. "How original. So who's Church?"

"Shaun of the Dead." Grif shrugged.

Simmons stared at Grif incredulously. "You didn't say we could crossover the other Cornetto movies!"

"Well _you_ didn't say we _couldn't_ ," Grif argued back. "But whatever, I'm not gonna sit here and argue semantics-"

"What?!"

"The point is," Grif continued relentlessly, gesturing to Wash, who was now in a conversation with a more-than-tipsy Donut. "Shit's going to go down tonight, and I don't want any part in it. Fuck Donut, fuck being a host, and fuck all the Blues."

With that, he handed Simmons his beer and wandered away, because Wash was crowding close into Donut's personal space and if this was going to be another 'make someone jealous' thing, Grif was going to lose his mind. He just wanted a nice nap.

\--

Wash felt weird, lightly touching and talking low to a clearly intoxicated Donut. He kept looking around, hoping nobody was watching them too closely, yet still hoping he was doing a good enough acting job.

"So I told her that if she wanted proper penetration, she would have to hire a professional, because home jobs just don't do it anymore." Donut was going on about something that Wash wasn't paying any attention to at all. Donut was hard enough to understand as it was, but he was slurring and jumping all over the place with his story. It was confusing as hell.

"Hmm, yeah, for sure." Wash mumbled as he reached his hand out again, running his fingers over Donut's hipbone. Donut's body leaned into the touch as he kept talking, though his breath stuttered slightly, glazed eyes flitting down to the point of contact.

"Hey... Wash?" Donut asked, voice low. Wash leaned foward and raised his eyebrows. "...do you want to take this elsewhere..?"

Wash blinked. Wow. Tucker was right, Donut really _was_ easy.

Wash took a deep breath, put himself in-character, and then bent forward to brush his lips against Donut's.

"Sure." Wash mumbled against Donut's lips. "Lead the way-"

"What the _fuck_ is going on?"

Wash felt relieved as he was pulled away from Donut, an angry Church glaring up at him. He stayed in-character though, and tried to reach out for Donut, keeping his eyes on him. Donut blinked at the hand Wash held out, seeming bleary and unsteady.

"Wash, holy shit," Church snapped, pulling him away. Or, doing his best to, but Wash was stronger and stayed rooted in place. "He's _drunk_. You aren't the type of guy to do this... what the fuck?"

"Dine-and-dash..." Donut mumbled gleefully, reaching out to wrap his arm around Church's. Church stopped, went rigid, and turned to stare at Donut. "You're not, right Church?"

"Not what?" Church asked, free hand still fisted in Wash's shirt. Donut just hummed and released Church, before wandering away. Church looked torn between tearing a strip off of Wash and going after Donut.

Donut must have won out, though, which is a testament to how much Church liked the guy. He released Wash's shirt and stormed away, in the direction Donut took off in, calling his name.

Soon after Church left, Tucker sidled up beside Wash with raised eyebrows.

"Have you ever considered acting?" Tucker asked. Wash grimaced and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Tucker laughed. "You were really convincing. I think we did it."

"They won't do anything while Donut's drunk, though," Wash said, looking off in the direction they left. "Why did we plan for this tonight?"

"Because Donut's unfiltered when he's drunk," Tucker explained. "He'll tell Church he digs him, and then Church will tell him about the sticky notes, and then Donut will realize that he digs more than just Church's hot bod."

"Church's hot bod," Wash mused. "Didn't think I'd ever hear something so 'gay' come out of your mouth."

"Hey, I wouldn't have kissed him if I didn't know he was attractive. You know, for a dude," Tucker said. "I have standards."

"No you don't."

"Dude, what do _you_ know about my standards?"

"I know that they're non-existent, if not extremely low."

"Well _I_ know that I'd never kiss _your_ ugly face!"

"Mature, Lavernius. Real fucking mature."

\--

Simmons watched Tucker and Wash start yelling at each other, having been watching the 'plan' unfold the whole time. He sighed happily when Tucker stood on his toes to get into Wash's face, poking his chest hard, while Wash narrowed his eyes and balled up his fists at his sides.

He was glad things were back to normal.

\--

"Hey, Donut!" Church called, catching up to Donut at the entrance to the foyer. Donut looked up at him and smiled.

"Hi Church," he said cheerfully. "I was looking for the bathroom, but I think I'm lost."

Church sighed. He hated taking care of drunk people, but he found himself leading Donut to the bathroom anyway, standing outside and waiting for him to make sure he was okay. When he exited, Church suggested walking him home, and Donut enthusiastically accepted the offer.

The sky was nearly completely dark, sun dipped past the horizon hours prior. Donut looked around, seeming nervous. He pressed himself close to Church whenever they weren't passing under a streetlight, and Church wondered if Donut was afraid of the dark all the time, or if it was just because he was drunk.

"Hey Church?" Donut slurred quietly, shuffling his feet along the pavement. "You're really pretty. Like... in a handsome way..."

Church ran a hand through his hair and felt the tips of his ears burn. "...thanks," he replied, knowing it was no-doubt drunk rambling, but appreciated the compliment. "You're not half bad, yourself."

"Shhh." Donut giggled, then hiccuped. Church rolled his eyes.

"You're such a fucking lightweight," Church groaned. "I'll have to lecture you via sticky note again."

"Wha..?" Donut looked up at Church, eyes wide. Church cursed under his breath and looked at the sidewalk. "You're the... you're my secret admirer?"

"It sounds cheesey when you say secret admirer," Church mumbled, praying that Donut was drunk enough to forget his little slip-up. "Don't say it like that."

"You are!" Donut cried, lighting up and stumbling over his feet in his excitement. "I didn't know you felt that way about me, Church!"

"That was the point."

"But- but I like you too!" Donut whined. "You should have told me... I mean, I guess it was mostly just for your looks at first, but now that I know you're the sticky note boy, I like _you_."

"Wait, you..." Church stopped and turned to stare at Donut. "You're not just saying this because you're drunk, right?"

Donut scoffed and waved a hand, the motion sending him off balance so he had to be steadied by Church. "Naw, I think you're cute all the time. It's why I always stare at you in school... oh, wait, you weren't supposed to know that."

"You- _that's_ why you're always looking at me?" Church said in disbelief. "I thought it was because I scared you, or something, because you always looked away whenever... _fuck_ , I'm an idiot."

Donut giggled and wrapped Church up in a hug. "I might forget this tomorrow," he mumbled into Church's tense chest. "But we should talk, and then we should date, and we should do all the kissy romance stuff, 'kay?"

"Kissy romance stuff," Church deadpanned, patting Donut's shoulderblade awkwardly. "Right, okay. Disregarding how ridiculous that sounded, I think we could do that. If- if you want, I mean-"

Donut nodded, face still smushed into Church's chest. "I definitely want!" Donut cried. "I mean, the sticky notes were fun, but I really think we'd be a cute couple!"

Church smiled. He flicked Donut on the forehead and then started leading him down the street again.

"Yeah, you and me both."

\--

For the first time in a month, there was no sticky note on Donut's locker on Monday morning.

Tucker, Caboose, Grif, Simmons, Wash, and Doc were all waiting by Donut's locker, and even Lopez was leaning on a wall off to the side.

When Church and Donut walked in, holding bike helmets and chatting about something, Tucker and Grif started wolf-whistling. Wash rolled his eyes and dragged Doc away, who was blubbering tearfully about how proud he was. Lopez started slow clapping before turning on his heel and entering the classroom.

Donut waved to his friends and skipped over to his locker, while Church fell behind, continuing his casual saunter.

"Hey guys!" Donut said, spinning his locker combination. "What are all of you up to?"

"Are you kidding?!" Tucker cried. "We've been playing the 'will they, won't they' game all weekend."

"Yeah," Grif said sternly, hands on his hips. "You'd better give us some straight answers _right now_."

"I dunno," Donut said slowly. "I've never been good at being straight with people."

Simmons sighed. "God dammit, Donut."

Thankfully, Church was their saving grace, who gave Donut a pat on the shoulder as he continued on his way to class, not even sparing the group a glance.

"Yes we're dating, yes we spent the weekend together, and no you can't know any details."

Donut watched Church walk off with a warm smile, before turning back to his friends. "You heard the man," Donut said with a wink. "That's all you get."

"Meh, good enough for me." Tucker shrugged before following Church down the hall.

"Yeah, fuck this, I'm out," Grif said, taking a few steps away and clapping Donut on the shoulder as he passed by, similar to what Church did. "I'm happy for you, you guys look good together, all that other shit."

Simmons, who was trailing behind Grif, scoffed. "So heartfelt, Grif, really. I could feel the emotion pouring out of every syllable."

Donut rolled his eyes at his friends, before reaching into his locker for his textbook. It felt weird to have his ordinary locker back again, but dating Church was going to be just as, if not more, fun. He was looking forward to it.


End file.
